Kicking into Redemption Mode

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When I first became Jewish, I had only gotten a taste here and there of what those Torah Jewish books contained. I hardly understood alot of it, but some how it had such a grip on me I could not let go. Now, as a Jewess, I could finally read, learn, have some one to ask questions to, etc.

Tried as I might, I still couldn't understand.

I have heard of many people who became Jewish, and how they practically left their former lives -their careers, etc., but it wasn't until I myself realize that I simply couldn't grasp what the books were teaching until I also left everything and tried to hold these new knowledge with my two hands, my two legs, my torso, my head, all my brain capacity, my everything; only then did I understand what those other people went through.

I had to quit my job -I took a small menial job for survival. Every waking moment was spent pouring into books. The sages became real people. Their teachings and their stories were recreating me.

It finally got to the point where I was almost starving. My dinner would the few cookies I found around my apartment. Crackers and tea, if someone had invited for such. At times, I ate "old food" kept too long in the freezer, but "they -seemed-okay- at -the- time" food only to get sick as a dog later. But all that didn't matter, I only wanted those books, those teachings, those sages!

Finally, finally, I realized that the way I viewed so many things were counter to what I was trying to received and grasp. charity -giving away money- brings one more money??!! Character traits matter??!! Things physical have a spiritual counterpart??!! The whole Bible -with the letter all put together is really one huge gigantic name of God??!! Yes!! I was finally getting it.

I can't explain it, but there was a part of me that realized this point of shift. I understood that I would not see the world the same again, and indeed in many instance I don't even remember how I used to view a concept before Judaism.

At a certain point I had to slow down and start learning the social aspects of living a Jewish life.

My Social Studies

Socially speaking I did everything wrong! I mean every thang! lol. I used to roll into the quiet Jewish neighborhood with my car radio blasting music. I think folks weren't too happy about that -even if it was Jewish music. I didn't understand Shabbat meals long ago and would accept invitations from from two to three families --for the same meal! I'm surprised I didn't get caught "making my eating rounds" until much later. (then some one kindly explained the way its done in such a round about way I didn't get embarrassed. But I learned.)

There was this long blessing that many say after eating bread (Bircat hamazon). I didn't know it was for only for bread because in the blessing it talks of sustenance and the land. So I would say that blessing for every food eaten. Including after chewing gum! Eating became such a burden because I dreaded saying that after eating blessing. Thank God, I eventually learned -it was only for meals with bread!

One of the most fearful things I had to learn was dealing only with women. I used to deal almost exclusively with men. With men, I knew I had a lure. A wink, A shy smile and a head tilted just so and I could have almost anything with men. But when I learned that in the Orthodox Jewish society I would be expected to fraternize mostly with women, I was truly nervous. There is an old movie in which Cleopatra, who was basically surviving and getting what she wanted from the Roman Emperors because of her sex appeal, was faced with a new Emperor who was a seemingly gay man. As soon as she saw who the new Emperor was, she took some poison and killed herself. Well, I felt a little bit like that Cleopatra character. What do I use to pull my way with women? Pity? Feminism? I had no clue. After years of living in the secular world, I was faced with a society in which I had no clue of how to make it landing on my feet.

Slowly, slowly, I learned. First I learned to just fit in. Don't make waves. I began to watch how the mainstream was and copied. Most of the women wore suits. I wore suits. There were certain expressions people frequently said; I said them. "Mamish!" "baruch Hashem" became common place on my tongue. Many laws /halacha I followed mostly because everyone else did (such as holding by the modern day eruv) not because of any true learning or conviction. Even mannerisms I slowly learned and copied.

At a certain point, what I learned and how I was acting needed cementing. Knowing Torah, Bible, is not like any other knowledge like geometry, calculus. The purpose of Torah and the Bible is to bring people closer to God. Acting and doing the motion because "the other guy's" doing it is not conducive to coming closer to God.

When I first converted I asked the rabbis while still "signing the contract" so to speak (while in the mikveh/bath house) "what! so what am I? Ashkenazi? Sephardi?!" Personally, I wanted to take on Sephardi traditions. The rabbis, in a rush to get out of the mikveh, replied, "do whatever you want!!" lol!

Fiery Teachers

I learned a little bit about The Ari. I learned to hide any book about him because of the reaction it produced.

The Ari, Through his student, Rabbi Chaim Vital, wrote down many explanations about kabbalah. He expounded on the teachings of Rabbi Shimon bar Yochai.

In Ashkenazi non-Chassidish circles, the attitude towards Kaballah is a bit more standoffish. The learning there to me, seems like steps.

Step one: simple (Pshat)- this is learned across the board for everything in the Bible
step two: what's being hinted to you (remez) again learned through;
step three: What a sage derived from a concept or verse (drosh)
and step four(kabbalah).

Whereas in Sephardic circles, I learned, say one concept (for example: "in the beginning") from that one concept, we do step one/ pshat (what's the question? this happened in the beginning!), step two/Remez (example: There was a beginning or beginning of time-count? or why does it all begin with the letter B-Beginning 'in the beginning'==Bereishit etc), step three/Drosh (what a certain rabbi teaches about it), and step four/ Kabbalah (hidden meaning). This is done one concept at a time rather than reviewing a whole book with step one, then redoing it with step two, etc. Anyway, that was how I learned it.

In the Ashkenazi world (Europe), a man named Shabtai Tzvi learned and used kabbalah and gained much following. He claimed he was the Messiah and started behaving strangely. Eventually he was captured by the Turks and forced to convert to Islam. But ever since then, Ashkenazim became wary of anything Kabbalah.

I don't know Kabbalah.

But I did learn to hide any books that seem to get too close to it.

Another big influence was the Baal Shem Tov's teachings. Rabbi Israel ben Eliezer. He basically created a new way in Judaism called Hassidus. This outraged the current leaders (Litvish)and began a grand scale fighting between the two groups. The amount of vitriol, the drama, the (lethal) distance some were willing to take it! I was extremely fascinated with this topic!

The whole fighting between them. Such anger! Passion! Great arguments! One Hassidic teacher, I don't remember his name once said -I'm paraphrasing, its good that the Litvish question and oppose them, this will hone the Hassidic way and beat it into perfection. What patience!

There were great names on both sides of the fence so I wasn't sure who was right.

Hassidishe?......................................................... Litvish?





To be Continued...