An Accounting --The Invisible Ceiling (part 2)

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I really loved money. Or rather the things money could do. Living on my own, no more abuse was nice. I could actually sit down in the evenings and simply...think!  Just to sit and think was such a luxury!!  Now, in the safety and privacy of my own living room,  I was more able to contemplate colorism, racism, politics, society, social ways, and all these things I got a glimpse of but couldn't really give it my full attention when I was younger.  Perhaps because I was looking at these things when I didn't have a lack that made that I was not too hurt or phased by it all.  I understood that there is racism in America, but I also saw that money had a way of being an equalizer -to a degree.  I saw colorism -but charisma could counter that -to a degree. Basically, I saw the problems and possible routes of escape, just like I saw what I wanted in the store and the money in my purse as a way of breaking the barriers and having the item. Just figure out the currency.

I also got in touch with the real me. The spiritual person. Sometimes I am not surprised to hear that pastors and priests end up with sexual crimes on their files, because at the same time that the spiritual side in me was coming out --its like the other hungry woman side of me was also coming out at the same time. Somehow there was a connection.  Alas, but I didn't want to give up "the prize" and so the solution was to become a big time flirt! lol   And as for the spiritual side, I searched and searched.

Something weird also happened.  And I blame the abuse for it.  But somehow psychicly I was a bit warped.  For instance, I could see dark shadows on peoples faces when they were angry and doing something cruel. (that is why I personally don't like the word "dark" to describe a Black person. I have seen Black people with very bright countenance; and very white people with dark brooding shadows on their faces Eck!!). That scared me. What scared me more was wondering what silhouette these darknesses on their faces were the shape of. I made sure I never looked long enough to find out!

There were many other things but for the sake of not appearing too crazy, I'll leave those out.

Any rate the point I am trying to reach is this:  The more spiritual and religious I got, the less material things I needed or wanted. It seemed like a simple equation. As soon as I was happy,  I didn't feel the need to go shopping for the upteenth pair of shoes. I didn't need all these musical instruments, I could forget about the motorcycle I was eyeing at last. I rented out my condo and moved into a smaller place, etc. 

Couldn't give up the car though. Gotta keep the ca.

Eventually I got married and had children, and continued on the spiritual path.  But at a certain point, I came against an invisible ceiling.

The Invisible Ceiling

As everything seems to be converging and getting refined in my life, it gave me pause.  I am not so into materialism, but I do see the value in it now. I do see how really good stuff, like organic, non-hybrid foods are becoming scarce; I do see how greedy hands are in hot pursuit of land, I do understand the power and influence for good that money can bring.

And I suspect that being religious and/or spiritual should not mean to be without material!

Abraham was wealthy.  Isaac too. And so was Jacob.  Moses was extremely wealthy. And so were many other sages.  What model am I following here? Some Christian monk?! What sort of path am I on?  Am I not Jewish or what? lol.

To be honest, I think not having material while increasing spirituality is good. Its like a low level good.  But a "necessary evil" for those who can't handle it or won't do good with what they have.  The more one has of both, the higher the stakes. And that is what I"m wondering about. Just wondering can I even want such a thing in my heart?  to go for the higher stakes? Nevermind the how yet....

An Accounting --The Invisible Ceiling

An Accounting

My life has been such a roller coaster ride.  So much happenings, so much emotions, so much struggles. So many times I've been at such a desparate state I could almost taste what I wanted on my tongue -that's how badly I wanted something, but yet it was so far away; and then somehow I got it and felt so relieved that all I could do was lay down.

Most of the readers here already know about the abuse I went through when I was a kid. Being chased by a monster is no fun. But it also did something else, it kept me from engaging in alot of things society was engaged in. I simply couldn't.  Too busy strategizing for my next escape route.


Finally I grew up and could do what I want.  So I became a workaholic.  Didn't have much else to do with my time and making money seemed....sweet!!!  I worked and shopped. Worked and shopped. that was my life. I loved it!! lol.  A certain amount was always taken out of my paycheck and put straight into my bank account. So I didn't have to worry about saving any part of the check that I got. I just went and spent!

Thank goodness I did okay. Had a car. Had a condo.It was interesting how my mind worked then.  I knew if I walked into a store and there was something I liked, I could have it. No questions.  My wants became crazy.  I wanted a violin. I got it.  I wanted a clarinet. Got it.  Keyboard. Done.  Cable, memberships, clothing, whatever -if I wanted it, I got it.

It was a strange and different life from what my parents teachings.  At home I was modest and extremely reserved. Now I was still modest and reserved, but I didn't hold back from getting what i wanted -now that I tasted the power of money.


To be continued...