As I struggle to navigate through my emotional whirlwinds, I found an inspiring post on a blog called "Without Conditions" by Moriah Joy. The post is about people who want to remain virgins, but who are struggling with their need for hugs, touches, an arm around the shoulder, physical closeness -without the end result being intimacy.
I can relate.
These times for me create a seeming insatiable (or insatiated?) need for physical closeness -without the end result being intimacy. I've bugged hubby so much, I think he's fed up. So, I back off from him lest he think I'm ungrateful for the attention he does give me. But I find myself calling old friends and re-establishing friendships and calling new folks and forming new bonds. All this why? What is this drive? Can this void ever be filled? Is it an unfillable needy state that I must simply endure for the time being? Am I misinterpreting the spiritual message?
I do feel like a big (no pun intended) receptacle. A big receiver. A sucking vacuum. But I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to be taking in. And so, my default is companionship. I want closeness. But I don't want to disturb anybody's day or schedule, etc.
Sorry, this post is not such a positive one. I generally try to stay on the bright side of things, but sometimes....
Anyway, this too shall pass, I'm sure. I just want to do the right thing as I surf the waves. Its an emotional storm wind, as I said before. God help me.
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Now let's see. Could this emotional stormwind be "marah shchorah" (black bile. i.e. depression; melancholy) or "atzvut" (rage, anger- the fight or flight adrenaline that comes out when one is stressed -however, since there is no real fighting for flighting to do, it just drops its business into the blood stream, messing up my heart and all)?
Pure and holy melody is always a good answer. Music is said to be the language of the higher soul (the Neshama) and the language of the angels. A good drum beat mixed in with some holy Truthful and pure words, now that sounds great! I'm getting happy already, lol. And then there's Rebbi Nachman's general remedy: Psalms:16, 32, 41, 42, 59, 77, 90, 105, 137 and 150. Perhaps this will be enough for now?
(Thinking this gives me one bit of sadness. I pray for the BC that they should stop with these unholy lyrics. Its too powerful and too destructive, I say. Okay, enough. I must focus on my own well being for now. )
6 comments:
Shalom Miriam
You can call me at anytime. I am always up for talking to my friends. You have my number and email, so drop a line.
I think one aspect of your insatiable yearing is a yearning for moshiach, for that time when people won't hate on each other and kill each other, and people will only love, and care for, and respect each other. It is hard in the world today, it all seem like everything is a fight. I understand about the BC, we certainly can use a lot of black-on-black love.
Today as I was walking down some New York city streets, I decided to mentally bless the couples I saw walking by. I have learned lately that my negative thoughts can certainly be felt by others. So therefore my positive blessings must have some power too. Bless your fellow man/woman today. Shalom
Miriam: "These times for me create a seeming insatiable (or insatiated?) need for physical closeness -without the end result being intimacy."
You have the courage to share your most intimate thoughts, to be vulnerable, to show your strengths and weaknesses.
I'm both impressed, and envious.
Own your feelings. Embrace them. Know that you created them. They are your creations.
To deny them is to deny yourself, and that which the self has created.
But, if your creations are no longer serving you, you may wish to create anew.
Let me take your lead and show you one of my weaknesses. It was a weakness once, but I found a way to overcome.
Here it is: I literally hated being alone. I needed the physical company of someone--almost anyone.
It wasn't intimacy I was seeking, and neither was it a cure for loneliness, or boredom
I wasn't lonely, just hated being alone, and I'm never bored.
I would drive to the mall, any place where there were people.
I went not to meet people: just to be among Homo sapiens.
Now I knew the reason for this aversion to aloneness. It grew out of issues from a previous life, where I was forced to live in seclusion for most by life.
I read a book that put all of this in a new perspective. It said: to need a thing is be addicted to a thing.
It said that it's alright to "prefer" a thing, but not to need a thing in order to be happy.
If we need something in order to be happy, then the absence of that thing was sure to leave us downcast.
It said: raise need to preference, and preference to completeness.
This changed my perspective, and my perspective changed my perception, and my perception, my experience.
The goal, then, is not to need anything, but to find within ourself the fullness of that which we seek from another.
When we're full (complete) our minds are at rest: we neither seek from others that which we believe we're missing, nor insist that they provide it.
We free them to revel in their own completeness, as we revel in ours.
You see: we're more complete than we know. We're One with All Things, and there's nothing we're not and, therefore, there's nothing we need.
I'm reluctant to say this, but the book also said that "neediness" is destructive to a healthy relationship and can destroy it altogether.
So what's the point of having significant others around such as a spouse or friends?
So that we may all rejoice in, and share in, each others' completeness.
I hope this helps.
As an aside: the celebration has started stateside with Obama capturing the Democratic presidential nomination.
Just thinking about, I want a hug myself! Soon, I'll be getting a husband, so he can hug me lots!
Ra'ayah, Domino,
Thank you guys so much for your love, support and wise words. Its literally carrying me along. I am in such a state right now that I don't even have words. I have been trying since yesterday to respond to you all, but its so hard.
I appreciate you guys! God willing, I'll have better and more to say later.
Felicity -How exciting for you!!! Its a wonderful state to be in! I wish you much love, much Joy and much happiness.
Miriam are you with child?
If so, forget everything I've said here. At least for now.
Get as many hugs as you can. Demand them!
You deserve them! *BIG SMILE*
Here's a big cyber-hug from me:
(((((((((((((((HUG)))))))))))))))))
Domino - Yes, I am with child.
You nearly brought me to tears. I almost cried reading your last comment. Thanks.
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