Making a Change: part 2The LOL Clown

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In continuation of the Making a Change post, I want to insert my own work that I need to do.

I feel that I have something to offer to the world. Despite much conditioning and plus my own negative voices inside, I forge through my self doubts and give what I have to give. However, to placate that negativity inside, that self doubt, I have a knack for ending almost all my sentences with a "LOL".

As if to say, its all in joke!

This reminds me of a boy that I know.  He's black, but has not had much exposure to African-Americans, Africans, any black person. He struggles by himself to understand his place in the world and as usual, there is this subtle message that he seems to be getting: "He's not a serious player here."  And so he acts really silly. Jumps around, making others laugh.  But once I saw him and he saw me (I"m black btw) and we made eye contact. About 10 minutes prior to that, I had just finished telling him the triumphant story of the African village and how they dealt with Alexander the Great coming to conquer their land. We made eye contact and he smiled at me. Such a mature smile!!! I had never seen it before. It was like the real man was smiling at me!

Of course, I smiled back!

My sister and I were talking about this same topic recently. Its very hard to be in a mostly white world and not have these negative voices trying to make a come back. Its like an uphill battle and the negative voices get placated by me making a joke or adding the suffix "LOL' to make light of what I just said.

This also reminds me of a white lady who runs a seminary in Israel. She says alot of "um's..." and "Uh's..." and sometimes she's just not sure of what her next step should be. But all her students are patient with her and still accept what she says. I'm sure that gives her a big boost of confidence.  Yet, confidence ought not come from external things.

Well, we all have things we have to bring forth to the world.  We do!! Otherwise we wouldn't be here.  For no uncertain reason, many Black folks have the hardest time with this- the thought that they can be important; that they have something that the world needs; that they can contribute to the good of the universe.  Yet the fact of the matter is, we do have what to contribute. And in the hopes of pulling along as many people as I possibly can, I want to cease to placate this negativity and even starve it.

No more bone throwing to Mr Negativity. Its time for a real battle.  If what I see is correct, then I've past that stage and have entered the stage of publicity, opposition and strife. **gulp**. We'll see how i fare out there.