Faith, Holy Boldness, Weapons

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FAITH

There was a funny statement that Rebbe Nachman said once. He said, "I like my followers fried!"

When I first heard that, I laughed. Nervously. I wasn't sure what he meant and me being a follower of his teachings I got a bit nervous.

Then I thought more about my life. I went through terrible abuse at the hands of my own family members. For years! Then I had to unravel all the psychological and emotional hurts --not to mention physical, sexual. Goodness, was any stone left unturned?!

I was so twisted and hurt, etc. I had to start way way way back to the beginning. Even my religion had to be trashed.

In order to even start fighting the abuse as a child, I had to realize to myself that no matter what, I know that what I felt was wrong and had to fight it. I had to disbelieve all the "we are right, its YOU who's wrong" statements, all the "but I love you!" statements. Everything had to go in the trash. Nobody was trusted. Redo from start. Some would say I lost my faith, but I think I had to turn to raw faith. Its like a no name brand of faith. Faith without clothes. Ultimate faith in the Godly part of me that no one gave a name to.

I think I was fried.

People who go through great hurts, I think, get "fried". So burned and hurt from so much that they reject everything.

Eventually, I could leave that constricted mentality when I was out of that abusive situation and then I had to rebuild. I had to give faith clothes again. But this time instead of putting on the old garments that my family gave me for faith -- the cross, the preacher's hats, the robes, the church, the way to salvation, etc. As I wandered through the garden of goods and truth looking for garments for my faith, instead I found a kippah, fringes, Torah, good deeds (mitzvot), etc. Basically, I found Judaism.

Likewise, I know of people who are Jewish who went through serious traumas and left Judaism. Somehow they stripped their faith from those garments and dressed it up anew.

HOLY BOLDNESS

But it takes holy boldness to do this. Its not a simple thing. Very often as you try to dress up faith --after having been fried lol-- you encounter people who will insist that you put on this garment on faith. Or they'll counter that you just can't arrive to truth without that garment. Somehow, they will attempt to coerce people to go on a certain path. BEWARE!!!

If we go without holy boldness, we will never arrive to the truth! If somethings are unable to be questioned, it should be rejected. (of course there is a certain point where there is no answer and we just have to accept things on faith. I mean simpler questions like why do we have to do such and such a ritual, for instance).

In my situation, I feel that Judaism is closest to THE TRUTH, whatever that absolute truth is. In the beginning, I accepted Judaism, but I still had questions. I am happy that I pursued these doubts and questions until I found answers.

One example of that was many tried to tell me that some people don't have a neshama (the high part of the soul that is still connected to God). I didn't buy it. I pursued my question until finally I learned that many do not know kabbalah and don't even try to learn deeper other than the halachot (laws of what to do and what not to do), and some not even that, they just stick to learning about the arguments. But once I pressed deeper, there it states clearly that every human being has a neshama --some are just so far removed from God that its as if they don't have a neshama.

Another example is that some rabbis teach that one should not learn other languages. Only Hebrew (and Yiddish, of course **smirk**). But I didn't understand why. It was not until later that I learned the reason. Simply, one can learn other language for business reasons, but the reason its discouraged for other reasons is that each language carries in it the "sin" or the "lust" of the people of that language. Whatever they are struggling with will be embedded in the language. For instance, if some group of people have trouble with being patient. They want things Now now now. Instead of calling things "instant gratification" they'd say "convenient" or "amenity" or something that covers up the fact that they can't wait. Or, if someone lusts to kill, rather than calling it what it is, they'd say, "prosecute to the fullest extent of the law" or use cruel humor towards a person. I have to think up better examples. Its not to say that Hebrew or Yiddish is better, but to say: why take on extra problems? We have our own struggles embedded within our own language, why unknowingly take on other group's fetishes or what have you.

Right now I feel that I am living a more authentic Judaism and I"m closer to the Truth -if I can say such a thing. I am wary of many religious leaders from all religions. Especially the more recent ones. But I love the Jewish Tzaddikim and especially Rebbe Nachman, I'm cool with.

Holy boldness means being true to yourself. See what fits. If it doesn't, ask. If the response is not satisfactory pursue the matter in another way or move on. Keep growing. But it has to start with a genuine love for God and a genuine awe towards Him.

WEAPONS

How to arrive at such a place without "getting fried"? That is a great question because I don't wish turmoil on anyone. If there is a way to arrive at that simple faith place and then grow into whatever you were truly meant to be --without all the turmoil, hurt, frying, etc., that would be awesome.

For me, it was reading Rebbe Nachman's books, Likutei Moharan, Outpouring of the Soul, Crossing the Narrow Bridge, etc. For me it was meeting genuine Na Nach people who live their lives with such mesirut nefesh /self sacrifice only to help people out. That really inspired me that people can want good and pursue good.

Another great weapon is prayer. Hitbodedut -talking to God, one on one, as if He's a close friend. You can shout out your frustrations, reason with the Holy One, question things, be yourself with no rules from anyone. Just you and the Creator of the Universe having a conversation. A monologue? No, I said a conversation! Yes, He responds but you have to "listen" more carefully -and not just with the ears lol. Its better to do this in a field or other natural surroundings.

Prayer is an interesting weapon. It's like a sword, or a light saber, that must not veer to the right (overly done kindness: i.e. asking the Blessed one to completely forgive an unrepentant murderer) nor must it veer to the left (overly done harshness: i.e. being too severe). Somehow it has to be aim precisely at the target.

To turn on the light saber, one needs to give charity. Giving money is almost like giving a pint of blood hehehee. Its giving of yourself -like a sacrifice for the wrongs that you have done. It also changes whatever the scale is in heaven. If, for instance, your scale of good deeds vs bad deeds was tipped on the bad side (i.e. too many wrongs to your credit), then giving charity tips the scale a bit (i.e. at least you give something towards good). If the balance was equal, then giving charity pushes things most definitely to your favor.

Okay, charity is given, the gates of prayers are open, light (saber), camera (trees, bushes, flowers are watching), Action!! What do you say?

Gratitude and acknowledgement is a good start. Not because God needs to be flattered, but because, we need the boost of confidence that God has helped us before. That way, we feel less intimidated to put forth a request. Praises -especially- in the form of a song, is another good key. Music is the language of the Neshama (high part of the soul, the part that is still connected to God).

Faith, holy boldness and the weapon of prayer are very subtle things that can take us a long way. The only suggestion I have is to find a way for yourselves to avoid the "frying" part, and jump to pure faith and take it from there.