I used to have this secret fear that deep, deep down, way inside of me was a racist!
yep. It was my skeleton in the closet.
Well, recently I decided to drag it out and really examine this fear...
I'm Black, married to a White man. That automatically should say, I'm not racist right? However, I am so weary when it comes to friends. With my husband, I can run around, we play, we chase each other, we laugh, have discussions and I feel perfectly fine -no thoughts of color.
When I'm with friends, I wonder if they are truly my friend. We can have discussions and I feel like a whole person when I'm around them. Oddly enough, alot of these usually were married to Black people or dated them or had some sort of "badge" that shows they are okay with Blackness.
Some I know they are not truly my friends. Some are my friend as long as I stay shut. Like a good little girl. As long as I just receive and not put out anything of my own (basically, as long as I work towards my inevitable implosion).
After a while, If i'm not careful, this can make me turn passive aggressive. Then I have to avoid those "frenemies" so I don't do or say anything wrong. If it still goes undealt with, then I get more outwardly nasty or make snippy remarks which I hate!!!
Anyway, thank G-d I am really good at avoiding the frenemies.
Nevertheless, I just wanted to meditate on it a bit. I have found that if a person has actually dated and/or married a Black person, then that makes me more receptive to them if they are White. But also, if they are into kabbalistic or mystical things or if they are into "different" cultures other than their own culture that also relaxes me. Some how, if they are Black, i seem to be less inhibited already. I can have opposing views from them, but we can still go to the shuk together, be around each other for Shabbat, etc. I can even show effection and care more readily...
Some months ago, I bunch of friends -all White, when together to hang out in the park. It turned into a fun water fight, but somehow I just could not participate. I wanted to. But something held me back and so I stayed with the other ladies who didn't participate for whatever reason. The ones who didn't participate were the ones who viewed themselves as the "spiritual leaders" of the group. I didn't participate, not because I thought I was "up there" with them, but because I just wasn't sure of their true grit, in-the-trenches, friends til the end, friendship. I just wasn't sure if their friendship was real or not (nothing to do with hair). And its usually the heads that I avoid or tend to have the most problems with. The 'little people' usually not so much.
Anyway, based on all this, I don't think I'm a racist. Even the Israeli army discovered that having two Ethiopians in a brigade was more effectively positive than just one. Its a funny need.