"Now the LORD said unto Abram: 'Get thee out of thy country, and from thy kindred, and from thy father's house, unto the land that I will show thee."
Some days this is just how I feel. I try to follow where I think God is leading me. Sometimes I go with a smile and sometimes I go kicking and screaming. But either way, I go.
Also, it seems like I have two very different feet. And each step spans worlds. As if once upon a time I was completely split into two. One part of me was always Jewish -just in a floaty spiritual sense -nothing physical to show for it. That was one foot. And another part of me is the Black woman me. The Haitian, Black -American me. This was the physical part that the world saw and that I recognized. This was the other foot.
After much much abuse in my life (sorry to keep bringing that up but it was truly a significant part of my life. who forgets being chased? Who forgets getting beaten? Who forgets name callings? And all this for about seven years. Its just not so easy, so bear with me) it has caused me to be the split person that I am. With no point joining the two. Two legs and no groin! Two parts netzach and hod, and no Yesod.
Well, as I try to repair myself. Perfect my yesod, bring out Malchut -which means shining God's glory into the world and not hiding myself and living a life of fear, anger, worry, etc. Some how more and more of my legs are being revealed and its joining at the point. I hope I'm making sense.
But its just not easy. I think people actually get offended when they see a Black person happy with their lot. Its like we're suppose to be unhappy and forever burden to the "white man". There are studies and surveys to promote this all over the place. Even I, having lived in America for so long, must work against that mindset. In fact, when i made friends with some people in Nigeria, one of my first reactions -which I needed to check- was that I wondered what I could do to "help" them. This western mindset that Blacks are always "in need" especially Blacks not in America, is not healthy. Why do people feel offensive when a Black person is happy? Why do people want to work so hard to take away her/his happiness? what does her/him being happy hold that is threatening to the world? Hmmmmm....
Another problem is that the Judaism that I love is not very popular. Breslov!! Na Nach!! These things were once banned not so long ago. And interestingly, Rebbe Nachman of Breslov was all about happiness! Hmmmm....
On both footing I get very little people support.
Anyway, I have to keep being me. Keep going step by step; one footstep -understanding better Black folk's place in this world bringing it to the spiritual plane; another footstep -rejoicing in my Jewishness and bringing it down to the world. keep searching and coming closer to myself. Keep heading for that promise land!