Friday, February 4, 2011

Pieces and Parts

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There is a very interesting phenomenon that goes on in my life. Whenever I work on my book, or whenever I am trying to achieve something, I get this major depression that sets in. Its as if I have to cut through very thick air to accomplish something, or like I am going against something to accomplish what G-d willing, needs accomplishing.

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I try not to get too angry, but when I unfortunately do, its interesting to note how I see things. I don't see the person I'm upset at, I don't even see a whole room. Somehow, my vision gets skewed and I only see parts. For example, if I'm really upset at someone, then I'll only see part of his lips, or a quarter of his face or something.

When I walk away from an argument, I see a piece of the doorway or part of a furniture. Its really strange. Its like if my vision has become really really narrow!!

Does anyone else go through that?

Why can't I handle seeing a whole thing?
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When I get depressed, I see things in an even more narrow way. Any stimulation is too much stimulation. I don't want to see, I don't want to hear; my senses get deadened and all I want to do is hide under the covers and block out the world.

It gets to be too much to handle.


But why is it so hard to accomplish things? Why do I have to slice and dice thick air, lift up some heavy burden, why do all the stimuli become overwhelming?

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There is a teaching in Breslov Judaism that when someone is depressed, their soul got attached to souls in hell. Its as if the person becomes a navy seal sent down to hell. Her mission: to rescue souls. There, souls are attracted to this person and attach themselves to her. She then has the task of lifting whoever can be lifted out of their misery. As she goes upwards and out of hell (i.e. as she struggles through her depression to accomplish things anyway), she is carrying a really heavy burden spiritually. No one wants to be left behind.

Eventually, she makes it out and the freed souls are disbursed. She is out of the depression.

If this is the case, then I wonder if I free some of those who wanted to do good but was too afraid -and died still afraid; some of those who wanted to create good, diverse, kosher childrens' books but didn't have the means. or the boldness; some of those who wanted to do good for humanity but was cut short, and/or whoever else meant to be freed....

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