Tuesday, January 29, 2008

The Hysterical

The hardest part about dealing with the "Bad Guys" of this world are many.

(1) Unlike what TV, movie and other mediums have taught, the "Bad Guys" are not usually ugly, unliked, unlikable, or dirty. In fact, more times that not they are usually, handsome or beautiful, well liked, friendly, and clean!

(2) The "Bad Guys" are usually complex as well. They may have very good sides to them. The rest of their behavior may almost seem to contradict one's mind from thinking this person is bad (for me!).

However, the hardest part of dealing with hurtful people is the slow reaction and then the great hysterics that accompany the final, long awaited action.

Many -usually women- who have been through abuse of any kind -and I'm talking abuse by a partner, by enablers, by media calling them names and shaming them before an international audience- have to work their way through the rationalization that "this didn't just happen to me" "surely I'm reading this wrong"

After however many days, months, years it takes to get over the denial and finally act, there is so much pent up rage waiting to unleash that the 'victim' no matter how righteous she/he is, comes off seeming ridiculously over reacting!

This can come out looking bad to a therapist. The Therapist may not understand this and somehow find more calming, bonding to the abuser who's controlled and calm. Somehow the person/victim/survivor has to find it in themselves the knowledge that they ARE right and understand that they may not be behaving rationally at the moment, but this is the energy force that they need to propel themselves to make things better for themselves.

I like (most) of the changes in BW that I am seeing in blogosphere. I pray that somehow-even though we are not a monolith, as I hear time and time again- that somehow we do learn to bond -as we are bonded no matter what anyway- in a positive, supportive, and beneficial way to each other.


PBG said...

Hi Miriam:

Just to add..

No one is infallible and life is never without pain, disagreements and sometimes, misunderstandings. So long as we nuture our hearts (souls), disagree with respect, share our opinions-we can move on. Life goes on, things get better.

My friends always tease me about being all about love when I literarily "gut" my opponents when it comes to work LOL. However, I have learned that while conflict is needed and sometimes inevitable, at the end of the day, the better option is to fill your heart with love.
I know it might sound idealistic, but it works.I live it (well, mostly):)

I hope your daughter is all better now.

Best wishes, M.

Randi523 said...

Miriam said: "I pray that somehow-even though we are not a monolith, as I hear time and time again- that somehow we do learn to bond -as we are bonded no matter what anyway- in a positive, supportive, and beneficial way to each other."

No, we are not a monolith, but some people think that since we are not, then there is no bond, or no bond can happen, which is so not true. I think it's great when we all have different but logical opinions on issues-it showcases our intelligence and our level of rational, multi-faceted thinking.

Grata said...


You are such a sweet heart. Why do I feel that your message applies to black people in general not just black women, especially the part about the rage?

SheCodes said...


I like some of the changes that I am seeing to. My hope is that we can finally realize that we are not each other's enemies.

I definitely believe in the power of love and reconciliation, and it has to start within, with us healing from the inside -- and then reaching out to others.

Miriam said...

Pbg- Thanks for the addition!

My daughter, Rina is better, Thank God. As soon as we take the stitches off, it'll be all behind us at last.

THanks for asking.

Randi - I hear that.

Grata - it wasn't directed an any one group in particular. Just anyone who's gone through stuff. (including BM. *gulp!* is it okay to say that?! lol)

SheCodes - I agree.

Kylopod said...

The difference between bad guys in movies and those in real life is that in the movies, they know they're bad and don't give a flying leap what anyone else thinks. They're like, "I'm baaaaad and you're gonna have to deal with it." In the real world, there are precious few if any Lex Luthors running around. Most people rationalize their actions and perceive themselves to be in the right, no matter what the facts show.