With so many blogs coming out and promoting IR dating and relationships, I watched carefully to see who would bring out the "other side". The not so good side about it all. I am sure IR relationships get enough flack from all the mammies, BM nay sayers, enablers, etc. That is not what I am talking about. I mean for those in an IR relationship, what is hard about it.
Well, I can only speak for myself. Its really good to know oneself, that's FOR SURE! Because, even though one can't spend years upon years trying to better oneself BEFORE getting into a relationship, one CAN at least know oneself enough to be a work in progress.
What I mean is, if one is coming into a relationship knowing say, 'I know I have mammy tendencies and have to double check my actions or words' that is a good thing. Or, if one comes into a relationship knowing that they had had hate towards white folks, once upon a time, then knowing and being aware of that is important so it doesn't rise up in words, deeds, etc.
One main problem that I personally encountered was the way we were raised. Ever heard the phrase 'spare the rod, spoil the child'? Well, that was my parents motto. It was definitely made SURE that I was not a spoiled child! LOLOLOL
Whereas, my husband on the other hand, never got hit. Ever. There was this one time, but that only served as an exception and not the rule.
I couldn't believe my ears when he told me this. I could not even fathom an un"rodded" child lol. I had to teach myself that not being hit, didn't mean not being punished. And just for my own satisfaction, I needed to hear how he got punished when he did .....anything wrong.
Another difference was our eating habits. Because of my caribbean background, I was just used to rice. Rice on Monday. Rice on Tuesday. Rice on Wednesday.... you get the picture. Although in the beginning, I tried to cook American style, It just didn't feel right!
One major difference, which I'm glad we can laugh about is our outlook. I guess because of his background, hubby would more likely trust someone rather than suspect them. Whereas I am the other way around. First, I distrust, then okay you'll be on the "suspended distrust" list. Only after some time, you get into the "trust" list!
Right now, I am VERY interested in all this BW movement as of late. the charge that I get from blogs such as What About Our Daughters, Date a White Guy, Evia's E-zine, Chola, and the new Black Women Vote! all get me so excited. I know hubby has a passing interest in these, but I can't expect otherwise. Whereas he comes home crazy happy about a new rabbi that he met and how knowledgeable that rabbi is, or some new thing that (I must admit, I want him to teach me too!) he just learned and can't wait to share from Talmud, Zohar or whatever he's studying at the time. However, most of the time, its hard to pretend like I'm AS excited. LOL. But I am excited for the most part. (gulp!).
Unfortunately, because of many things that I went through in my past, I suspect I do have mammy tendencies. Maybe not quite mammyness, but a tendency to negate myself. That is a big NO NO!!!!!!!. I can't stress that enough. Because being with someone who is used to looking out for himself and his own. I know I have to do my part and not let my "wall" crumble against outside enemies.
One sad example, when we moved into our new place, hubby was voted (by both of us lol) to go forth and buy furniture. He went to IKEA and got such beautiful furniture!! What taste! Wasn't he worried about looking vain? Where was his humility and shame! I actually thought those things!
Time went by and we had to get screens for our windows. The workers came and hubby was not there. They worked but couldn't get the screens just right. Finally they said they were done. Although I could see that the screens were not just the way we wanted, I was too negating of myself to protest. I conceded. I have been kicking myself ever since. At least, this served as a catapult to insure that I never want this to happen again. I must not let my faulty self esteem crumble my side. I know many BW get this faulty self esteem because the media, neighbors, practically everyone beat us down. But If I could encourage anyone, I'd say realize this, and try to not let it dictate your actions. Even if you have to go into another room and think while others are left waiting for your decision.
Well, as you can see, none of these are color related. I don't know if its because I am not in the USA, but once a relationship is established and folks hunker down into family making and home making, color hardly plays a big role.